Well, It's final. The pregnancy, not the love and hurt though.

I didn't know that you could fall in love with a baby so quickly. I wasn't even really showing at all. There wasn't any belly. I just looked thin. much thinner than usual.

I'll have random moments where I just start crying, and then there are other times when other people are sad, but I want to talk about food or something. I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy that I got to experience that much at least. I don't want to be the person who is so broken that they let their lives fall apart, and their relationships crumble. That's not me.

I worry more about Benjamin though. I'm afraid he's going to be hurting for far longer, because he doesn't express it the same way. He holds it in more.

My body is still weak, my mind is ready to go go go though. I want to go out and run, and lift weights, and play with the dogs, but I get dizzy when I put out too much energy. Not so fun.

I am ready to go back to work and be productive and maybe earn some money. Once I'm feeling MUCH better I might get another part time job up here. Maybe. Who knows. I'm going to see how our money situation goes then see where it leads me. Hopefully working at the office will bring enough extra change into the picture that we'll be able to take care of things without that so I can focus on doing stuff around the house and I don't have to miss being with Ben at night. I don't like being away from him. I know that I'm going to have to at some point. I'm thinking maybe a hostess job at a restaurant or something in the afternoons/evenings. who knows what will happen though. I've never worked foodservice, but if I could get a part time job at a restaurant here in town that would be cool so I wouldn't have to go down into cameron park or anything. Not that it's really that far away.

I'd like to be able to work a budget so Ben and I can live on his paycheck, and save all of mine for investing or house upgrades or vacations or something along those lines. If I could sell my art, that would be cool too.

I'm planning on submitting a few of my pieces to different fairs around here. State Fair, El Dorado County, maybe Placer County. Who knows. We'll see how they go. Maybe I can get some sales out of it. I need to get out and learn how to use my camera more effectively though. I took some awesome pictures of my sister, but that was beginners luck I think. SOOOO Yeah. The capabilities of this machine is incredible, I just need to learn how to use it.

SO Ben and I are going to be having a reception sometime in early june to celebrate our wedding so our friends can be a part of it. I don't really know how we're going to do it, but we're going to do something. Yep. I need to get my sister to help me out with it though, because she planned hers and hers was amazing. Like, I'd really like to do it like a garden party, or backyard pretty barbecue or something. I'm not about the fancy stuff. I'd rather be comfortable and cute. Ya know?

Speaking of barbecues, we'll be having a few this summer. Some here, some at the river. I want to be outdoors as much as possible this summer. Get out and actually do something, ya know?

2007 Year of the Fiesta


Those are my thoughts for the day.